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7/11/2018

Mattering and Mothering

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I see you.  You matter.  

In a medieval love story told by Chaucer, two young lovers, forbidden each other because of war and politics, catch each other's gaze from afar--and that gaze seems to be the beginning of their love story.
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We love to look into each other's eyes; it is powerful. 

​But gazing is not always simple, loving, and mutual; it is sometime pandering, destructive, unequal.  And there is an ugly power in  "the male gaze"--a toxic form of machismo that focuses on bodies and body parts as objects to be owned through a lens of possessive looking.

Aggressive looking is, in fact, probably the OG bullying behavior.  It is often aimed at someone who is about to get popped. 
​

Looking changes reality

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So--looking is not passive.  It changes things--and those changes are measurable. They have a name:  the observer effect, which simply means that very act of watching something changes it.  ​

​Even in Chaucer's story, the lovers themselves are gazed at, noticed, watched.  Betrayal and tragedy unfold. 

​When we are looked at, we are vulnerable. And at the Enneagram 9-point, our bodies respond to that vulnerability by disappearing from view. 


If we are not seen (even better, if we are not
seeable), 
then we cannot be threatened or changed by anyone.

If you can't see me, I literally don't matter. 

At the 9-point, we become like Emerson's transparent eyeballs--where we see but are not seen.  Our experience is a transcendent merging between our individual self and all that is. 

​We cease to exist as separate from the whole.
​
Making yourself "not matter" seems at first like the ultimate act of accommodating--but it actually more complex than that.  The 9's self-erasing is rooted in the driving need for autonomy that 9's share with 8's and 1's (the other points in the Enneagram's  body triad.)   

​(The body triad, by the way, is associated with the brain stem and is concerned with the body's instinctual need to exist, to have form--literally to be matter.)

And this makes sense, even though it also drives us crazy.  If we are not seen--even better, if we are not seeable--then we cannot be threatened or changed by anyone but us.

Click for August retreat (18 CE's) --only four spots left!
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Women and mothers are rewarded for Enneagram 9-like behaviors

​

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Knowing how the 9-point functions is super-important for women and mothers, even if their personalities are not patterned at the Enneagram 9-point.
​
Because women and mothers are rewarded for 9-like behaviors:  making their own needs less important than those of their bosses, co-workers, husbands, children, pets, neighbors, and neighbors' pets.  

Mothers especially are pushed into the 9-point. Inwardly apologizing for taking up space.  For being matter.  For mattering.  ​
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​Mothers especially are sort of pushed into the 9-point of inwardly apologizing for taking up space.  For being matter.  For mattering.  
​

But the word mother comes from mater

Making mothers "not matter" is incredibly ironic because our English word mother comes the Latin word mater. 
  • Mothers matter because they are mater (matter).
  • Mother-love, which is how each of us learns (more or less functionally) the primal forms of all love in our life:  this love flows through not as angel dust, but flows through the very body of the mother.
  • Mothers both are and provide the very matter of life.

This truth is so powerful that we cannot bear it.
  • ​Mothers are magnets in public spaces, easily becoming the focus of attention, and often being shamed.  So why not just disappear into the children?
  • And mothers do just that.  Their energies are endlessly drawn into the children, their needs being always the first consideration--before sleep, nutrition, exercise, or restoration for themselves.

Virginia Wolf's Angel of the House is a 9-spirit at an unhealthy Level of Development.  She "kindly" insists that we 9s, we women, we mothers, we others, we make ourselves not matter.

But we are matter. 
We matter.

And what does it mean to matter?

What does it mean to matter?
To know that we are matter? 
To know that we are body, that bodies exist in space and time, that showing up in our lives means being vulnerable enough to be seen?

These are the most important, meaningful, and sometimes most difficult questions to address directly.  So the invitation is to address them playfully and with curiosity, either in the comments below or in a workshop or or coaching session with me.

If you are drawn to explore this retreat, please click that button to the right to find a fuller description of what we will be covering.  
Register now for Your August retreat:  Beyond the Story of Your Personality Patterns.  Only Four Spots left!
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7/10/2018

Grace Appears at the Level of Imbalance

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In Flannery O'Conner's super-creepy short story "Revelation," the good and respectable Mrs. Turpin is literally conked on the head and choked by grace. 

By Mary Grace, that is--a college student who can't bear to hear Mrs. Turpin's gossipy hypocrisy in the doctor's office one more second and throws a book at her before jumping on her and choking her. At home, where she is hurt more in spirit than in body, Mrs. Turpin wails Why me?! and basically demands that God explain himself to her,

Which He does. 
Kind of. 

After her violent encounter with (G)race, Mrs. Turpin has a vision--a revelation about the true nature of virtue--beside a pig parlor.   

​ 
I think of this story every time I hear the word ​grace.  Growing up, I heard grace defined as unearned favor with God--which sounds very sweet. 
​
​But in real life, I have found grace to be both the thing that knocks me off-balance, and the thing that appears when the center does not hold.

​

​
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But in real life, I have found grace to be both the thing that knocks me off-balance, and the thing that appears when the center does not hold.
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​Which is why I am utterly fascinated by Level 4 of the Enneagram Levels of Development, called "The Level of Imbalance."  Below Level 4 is "Interpersonal Conflict" (L5), followed by "Overcompensation" and various levels of unhealthy development.  And above Level 4 is "Social Value" (L3) and various levels of healthy development. 

Basically, below Level 4, our pre-conscious patterns of behavior, emotions, and thought are totally running the program--or rather--running us.  Because, icky as it may feel, we are the program the patterns are running--like non-updated software.  Below Level 4, our actions are not free; they are deeply conditioned.  But at those levels we don't know and can't care--because pre-conscious personality patterns just feel totally normal.  (Of course they do!  How could it be otherwise?) 

At Level 4, though, somehow, the patterns loosen, and things become unbalanced.  Something happens--some grace occurs--and we feel . . . different.   Maybe lighter, maybe more expansive, maybe brighter or clearer or more "real."  This shift from Level 5 to Level 4 is the beginning of transformation.  
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So how does this shift happen?  How do we move from interpersonal conflict up to the not-always-comforting grace of imbalance?  
  • Suffering can take us there.
  • Practices can take us there.  (Breathing, yoga, qigong, hip-openers, heart-openers, self-awareness and mindfulness practices.)
  • Nature and children and animals and love can take us there.
then I'm in love with grace, with the unknown whatever-it-is that cracks us open, and light shines through.  That's why I developed this workshop--a whole weekend of nature and breathing and art and Enneagram learnings.  18 CE's for social workers and therapists.  One more earlybird spot for August; four more for October.  
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REgister for August Retreat
REgister for October REtreat
copyright:  The Enneagram Institute

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3/11/2018

Enabling Forgiveness

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On a particularly dark night of the soul . . . 
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​​On a particularly dark night of the soul, when my husband was with his new love, I exploded from sleep, drawn to my computer as if it were oxygen, not yet aware that I was awake, yet typing in the words:  ”What is an enabler?” 


​
Just days before, upon discovering the thing between them (the thing that would someday have a name--affair--but which was presently was just a terror devouring my universe), I had snapped at my husband, trying to stay in touch with the deepest place in my soul, a thing that I thought would be an investment toward healing our marriage:  “The forgiveness is in place and ongoing.”
 
And I meant it with all fury of wisdom, righteous truth, and comic justice.
 
Still, there was all this pain, all this emergence of disconnected pieces from the recesses of memory coming together and forming patterns, fatal flaws, and tragic consequences.  All this realizing, over and over again, that even with the support of friends, I was really and deeply alone in this.
 


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​I had been toying lightly with this concept for some time:  joking with my husband and friends about certain "enabling tendencies" and feeling good that I had accurately, openly, and without shame identified a key characteristic of my intricate inner survival system.
 
But that was before I knew how fully I have been betrayed.  And not only by my husband and friend, but also by my own innocent, intentional blindness.

Now there was only a pounding, tunnel-vision urgency define what went wrong, to understand how I had created this mess, and to figure out how to escape the flames.


​And here was an answer, cutting through all my filters. 
(Because I had no
more filters.)
(​Because they were
​all in tatters.)

​"An enabler is someone who
doesn’t allow other people to take
​responsibility for their own actions."
​
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​​Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping.  A dozen memories surfaced at once, from early childhood to adolescence and college, into professorhood and marriage and motherhood.
 
Yes. I did this.
I was this.
I did not have "enabling tendencies."
I was an [expletive deleted] enabler!
I have always been like this.


But I didn't always have to be.  

So:  here is what I’ve come to discover
about the difference between enabling and forgiveness,
about how we abuse forgiveness,
about how we gaslight our own realities--
--all in the name of forgiveness
and all in the service of
not having to stand up
and say, 
​No. This is not okay.
​
Both forgiveness and enabling meet an incredibly deep need for relief from relationship pain.  But they are not the same, and they have very different outcomes.
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​Forgiveness feels good.
And so does enabling.

The relief associated with releasing anger, coming into equilibrium, restoring relationship, and helping life becomes sweet again is powerful.

Forgiveness brings relief. 
​And so does enabling.
​
Both meet  an incredibly deep need for relief from relationship pain.    


​And it is often literally impossible to tell the difference.
​
On the school bus, when I was a very little girl, a boy started hitting me over the head with a book--a very heavy textbook. I had no defense but enduring and not responding.  (Yes--classic Enneagram 9.) 
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All my instincts told me that eventually, he would get bored and stop.
Which he did. 
But it took a long, long, long time.

And the relief of him finally, finally stopping was so great that for a brief half-second I literally wanted him to start hitting me again, just to feel how good it felt when he stopped. 

​​In that buzzed-out place of dissociation, relief is all that matters.  And relief happens naturally  when we let go, even when we let go of the need to be treated with deep respect.  Thus it is that enabling (not letting others take responsibility) disguises itself as forgiveness (letting go of what no longer serves.)
​


Those of us with “enabling tendencies” are therefore called to a deeper responsibility than we are used to taking on.  We are called to

  1. Notice where in our relationships we are over-functioning:  when we are not letting others take responsibility for their own words and actions
  2. Tune in to our body's intelligence, and learn to hear and honor our own no.
 
And here is the scary part:  we are called to see our own abusing of forgiveness.
Please do not imagine that I take this work to be simple, surface-level adjustments. I tried these ("silly me, yes:  I have enabling tendencies"), and they were a first micro-step.  But only that.

But neither does the work have to be hard or traumatizing. Trauma clearly is not a path to freedom. 
 
We must take the body to a safe and clear place, deeply present and alive.  And then (think of Maslow's hierarchy here):  safety of the body becomes our baseline--the place that feels normal, the place of grounding to make any deep shifts that your own wisdom is calling you to make. 
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​​The call is into your own ocean, into your own bleached coral reefs.

Being with the damage.
  • Witnessing what is.
  • Knowing what you know.
  • Remembering what deep presence feels like.
  • Knowing that you already know how to shift back to wholeness.




There are reliable ways to shift back to wholeness
  • Know your true needs at any a rising moment, including the need for both respect and release.
  • Find your natural boundaries. And honor them.
  • Forgive by releasing what no longer serves.
  • Know in your bones whether enabling actually works for you, to express your highest self in the world.
  •  Use your breath and body wisdom to shift.

Yep.  I can teach you these ways.  I sought out wisdom and the tools that I now teach when I was in desperation.  I practiced and honed and cried and died and came back to life and somehow went on healing.   I found out what really, really worked, and sloughed off all the rest.  Then I got myself trained to teach and coach and challenge and support others. 

I take this stuff very seriously.
And also very playfully. 

Because life is the thing we are freeing in ourselves, and love is what flows through.


​


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2/18/2018

​How the Enneagram gave me back my daughter— and maybe my son.

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When I began writing my memoir, these are the first words that came out, poured out, spilled out--all over the page: 
 
It did not start with anyone screaming in the shower.  It never does.  It always starts with a frog, swimming around in a clear part of the pond, scooped up into a pot for someone about to boil water for cleaning, for making something clean and hot and comforting.  Boiling the water is not a bad thing, and being a frog is not a bad thing either.    (Click here for more.)
 
 
 It was 2009, and my new life was bursting out of an old life that I didn’t even know was dead.

I did all the things I knew: therapy, prayer, hymns, meditation, Jesus, yoga, Tolle, Oprah, better nutrition, hot baths, candles.  These connections and practices all helped me break through myself, helped me come back to life.
 
But it was my encounter with the Enneagram that brought together all the bright, broken pieces of what-used-to-be-me, allowing me to see the intricate mosaic that was my own, amazing life.
 
 
Type 9, at the Level of Violation.
People who know both me and the Enneagram usually ask—are you sure you’re 9? You have so much energy!
 
My answer is always Yes — O God. If only you knew!

I really show up in my life now; I have no choice.  The old patterns pretending to be me just broke too far open to run the show anymore.  But those of you who knew me then may very well remember me as, well, a squish.

A Squish.  Which I was.
Because Type 9s at the Level of Violation are trying to defend our illusion that everything is okay, we look like this:
  • low-energy and ineffectual
  • unavailable and obstinate
  • stonewalling and willfully blind
​
It's scary now to remember--but yes, that was me:  vacillating between peace-at-any-price and outright self-abasement.  In the tumultuous years after my second International adoption (an eight-year-old boy from Russia), I was living out what the The Wisdom of The Enneagram has identified as The Leaden Rule:  "Do unto others what you most fear having done to you."  Fixated in my 9-type trance, I feared loss of connection more than anything.  So I tuned people out, making them feel as if they had lost connection with me.
(Paraphrased from the The Wisdom of The Enneagram, cited below).
 
​My daughter, Type 8, coping with adolescence.
Meanwhile, my daughter (aka Firechild), was quickly approaching adolescence.  During the time of betrayal and eventually divorce, I noted that unlike me, she had no impulse at all to cling to a nostalgic past.  He’s being very disrespectful to you, Mom! shouted my 10-year-old little powerhouse, when I still wanted to save the marriage.

​I watched my daughter come alive instead of shy away when she saw flashes of anger  beginning to spark through my dullness. I decided, over and over again, to use my anger in the service of life--our lives.  
This is an unprecedented opportunity for spiritual growth.

Then, just as things seemed about to get better for us, they got very much worse.  My daughter was not okay--very deeply not okay--with joint custody.  There is more to say, but this is already a long post, so I'll cut to the chase:  By the time I got her back with me, I was thoroughly depleted.

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 The Wisdom of The Enneagram defines with astonishing accuracy each type's Leaden Rule:
 
"Do unto others what you most fear having done to you."   
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A Type 9, I feared loss of connection more than anything.  So I tuned people out, making them feel as if they had lost connection with me.
Almost imperceptibly, she shook her head.
Don’t. you. dare. talk to me. ​

But now I had a secret weapon. 
I knew my fatal flaw:  not showing up in my life unless everything was peaceful. 
And I knew that the peace I craved would never show up . . .  until I showed up
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So I tried.  I really did. 
And everyone applauded me.

Everyone except my furious, scared-to-death daughter.  Every time I got strong enough to spark, she attacked me with every bit of rejection-laced fury that her tough little body and tongue could hurl out at me. 

I reeled.
I retreated.
And I knew in a vague and fuzzy kind of way that my daughter needed me to expand my dang consciousness. 

I'm just so tired, said the echo of my patterns.

But by now it was just the two of us in the house, and my inner sanctum was wearing thin. My daughter felt rejected, exposed, unsafe.
 
My daughter will not become a thug.
Here are the words that I read and reread, fiercely determined to keep myself from falling back into stupor:  Eights become more aggressive and belligerent, demanding that their energy be met. Nines respond by not responding: they go on emotional strike.
 
I kept finding the will to stop the bullying as it arose.
​ 
No. This will not happen. My daughter will not become a thug.

Seeing how destructive type-patterns might play out in my daughter’s  life gave me the courage to stand and bear and confront her torrents of anger.
 
The paradoxical nature of living unstuck was playing itself out in me. 
 
It was terrifying.  It took every bit of strength and will and goodness and determination inside me.  And it still would not have happened except that I loved my daughter with a fierceness beyond words, and her well-being mattered way more than my own false sense of who I was and what I was capable of doing.

Here's the short-course version of what I did:
  • Asking her how it felt when I retreated, and hearing her  say — like you don’t love me.
  • Tending my own wounds in her presence, in the path of her anger, instead of retreating every time.
  • Telling myself she feels unsafe when you back off.  And standing my ground.
  • Saying: She feels betrayed when you don’t do what you say.  So I began to follow through every time instead of sometimes.
  • Knowing: She will think it is okay to yell at her dearest love ones if you let her get away with this. So I stopped letting her yell at me. 
A thousand-thousand tiny moments of clarity and awareness and pain in the present for blindness in the past.
 
And then – more lasting shifts.
​
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Here is a big one.
 
I was at a dance. My daugher was with me because she was still just barely too young to stay by herself.  She wanted to leave, and she was snapping at me, desperate to get me to do what she wanted.
 
But I was not about to leave. Dancing was bringing me back to life. She had her phone and some books, but this was not what she wanted. So she was being rude and obnoxious, snarling at me in front of my friends and fellow dancers.
 
Finally, I snarled back:  “We are not going. And I am not going to speak to you until the end of the dance. You are being incredibly disrespectful.”
 
She fled in a controlled rage and stood in the doorway.  A dancer I don’t know very well began to upbraid me for basic bad parenting. I looked him in the eye and told him he had no idea what he was talking about.  He left, and I looked for my daughter, still in the doorway, still across the room from me.  She was in full-out the protection mode:  arms crossed, face a mask of toughness, body armored in her own energetic force-field. 
 
I caught her eye. So bundled and tight, such a thick shell.

She saw me soften, saw me almost rise to approach her, to speak to her, to tell her how much I loved her.
Almost imperceptibly, she shook her head.
Don’t. You. dare. Talk to me. 
So I sat down. 

She needed to trust me. I had said I would not talk to her till the end of the dance, and I had darn well better follow through. Trust is a big one for 8s. 
 
And by now I knew it.
 
So, as I said, I sat down.
 
And I saw my daughter relax across the room, where she stayed in the doorway until the dance was over.  Then and only then, she approached and cheerfully helped me pack away my things.
 
I treated her during that time in ways that would’ve killed me if I were that age and in her shoes.
 But her core fear (of being controlled) is very different from my core fear (of loss and separation).

And once I understood both my core fear and hers, I was able to act more skillfully, even though it meant dipping my toes into waters that felt me as if they would annihilate me.
 
This is why I said that the Enneagram gave me back my daughter.
(Who, by the way, is amazing.)

And maybe my son.
 The jury is still out on that one. My son was in a Russian orphanage before my former husband and I adopted him at the age of 8. His life was not at all supported in any normal way. On the Enneagram, he’s a 4, which means all kinds of ambivalence around both the nurturing and the protective elements of relationship.
 
My part in making it probable to have an adult relationship with my son stands not entirely, but in a good amount, from the myriad forms of consciousness work that I’ve done, especially with the Enneagram, and from both of us understanding that even though my 9 patterns and his 4 patterns may want to run the show, we are free in any moment we choose not the patterned response to life, but life itself, as it emerges.

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Enneagram Type and Level details come from  Personality Types:  Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery.  by Don Riso with Russ Hudson.  Revised Edition.  Houghton Mifflin Company.  Boston:  1996.  page 491.

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Explore my memoir
Details about the Leaden Rule come from The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Riso and Russ Hudson.  Bantam Books.  New York: 1999.  pages 82-3.
​
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2/13/2018

The Secret of Living Free is Boring (and, yes--that's the drama-free point)

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The secret of living free is . . .  making agreements.    (I know, right? Yawn.)

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(​I'm outta here!)
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​(Get back here, you silly goof! 
I’m about to give you the secret to living free--for free.)

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​​Why bother with good agreement habits?

Because your precious life energy is not entangled in either 1) getting out of agreements you didn’t  make cleanly or 2) figuring out this or that relationship under the weight of semiconscious or unconscious agreements.
 
Our experience of life is actually much sweeter and cleaner, less sticky and less clogged with drama when we make, keep, and change agreements consciously.
 
See? I told you. Totally boring.
And that’s the point.
Making and keeping agreements with integrity keeps relationships mostly drama-free.

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​So, how do I do it?  
How do I make totally boring agreements?
 
Here are the basics:
  • Soften. Just a bit.   Say, Hmm, I wonder . . . .I wonder if this agreement thing might really help me live more freely?

​

  • Invite your own inner wisdom to help you discern--and decide to make only those agreements that you really want to make.  This sounds impossible, I know.  But it is absolutely possible--and even easy, once you get the hang of it.  Also, it's necessary.  You can't be free if you feel coerced into agreements that don't serve your highest purpose.
  • Say no to any agreement that you don’t want make.  For some people, this is easy, a no-brainer.  But for those of us who are Enneagram Nines or Twos, and for those of us who are women, saying no is a really hugely big wonkin' deal.  And so an opportunity arises--to get in touch with your own amazing body's yes or no.  
  • Learn that is it okay to change agreements that aren’t working--and learn how.  
  • Use your whole body wisdom to decide quite consciously:  Why, yes!   Or--hmm, no.  Or:  this agreement isn’t working for me anymore. I need to change it.  


There is no need to "make" the other person forgive you.
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But wait--what is an agreement, really, if it can just be changed?
​

1) An agreement is between you and another person or persons.
It is not an intention (Let’s have lunch sometime.) or a commitment (I am committed to maintaining a healthy diet.)
2) It is bound in time and place. (I will call or text you by tomorrow night to firm up our plans for lunch.)

 
What happens when I break an agreement?
So (and this is the clincher. This is the part that really makes you free):  what happens when I screw up? forget to call? don't do what I agreed to?

 
Remember: the secret of  living free is boring. 
Feel the adrenaline spike. And then do a boring thing:  acknowledge it.  
Just acknowledge it. No drama, no hysterics. Acknowledge that you made an agreement and that you didn’t keep it. There is no need to “make” the other person forgive you. Just say, "I said I would call last night, and I didn’t.  Are you still up for making lunch plans?”)  Experiment. See what it feels like not to apologize, just to acknowledge. See if you can share your feelings without expecting a certain response.  Be attuned to your body as you make, change, and sometimes acknowledge broken agreements.

What happens when someone breaks an agreement with me?
Learn and use your emotional intelligence:  Feel all your feelings.  Breathe into your truth.  Share that truth in a way that protects both you and the other person.  Thereafter:  Honor the wisdom of the amazing Maya Angelou:  "People tell you who they are. Once they tell you, believe them. They know themselves better than you do. Believe them!  (Listen at 49:56)

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What happens when the other person breaks an agreement with me?
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My own practice stems from my training with Rhonda Mills and the Hendricks Institute. And I highly recommend that you explore these videos and download "Impeccable Agreements" from this page.
​And yes--of course  I can help.  You can learn to easily attune to all the wisdom of your body's wonderful intelligence center so you can enter pro-actively into agreements that are alive, dynamic, and serve your highest purpose.  Just ask.

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1/22/2018

Imperfection is not the enemy; it's an illusion

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​Perfectionism.
​
It’s a backhanded compliment:
​
​

We half-curse/half-compliment
our perfectionism. 
​ 
​And then it backhands us.
(Like an abuser.)
(Which it is.)

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Imperfection. 
​Imperfection is okay, then.
​

It just means the we are human--right?

Of course. 
Yes.
​




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But we still don't want to be associated with the word:

I love you.  You're so imperfect.
I finished the job!.  I hope you think it’s imperfect because that’s what I was going for. 

​Nope.  Doesn't work.

Even John Legend's love song "All of Me," which celebrates the "perfect imperfection" of his love, sounds a bit off at first, and we sort of have to sink down into his meaning before we can stop ourselves from silently chastising him for even noticing, much less saying out loud, that his beloved has any imperfections.

The perfectness of the world, as it is, at each emerging moment 
is a mind-blowing truth every time we touch into it.  But the everyday mind doesn't like to be blown; it likes to understand.   So it works really hard:  labeling things and actions and even our own selves as good or bad. 

Thus imperfection becomes an enemy. 


Why does imperfection become an enemy?
The 1-Point of the Enneagram might help us respond to this question--because it represents the yearning sense we have for something very precious:  a paradise that we used to inhabit, a place and a time when everything was perfect. 

A sense, too, that we did something wrong, got kicked out of the Garden, and now we are enduring the excruciating pain of being cut off from Goodness itself.  And we will do anything to get back there:  work hard, do it right, make no mistakes, improve ourselves, improve our work, improve  our homes and children and pets. . .
 
Our sense of an unbearable fall from a world and a life that used to be perfect makes imperfection into an enemy.
​
But of course, it is not.

Imperfection ultimately does not even exist. 
Imperfection is simply a profoundly compelling illusion that traps us inside what Tolle calls psychological time:  a mind-created a sense of ourselves as stable, a sense of our lives as things that should not change without our express permission.  

When we say it in such stark terms, we see that the idea of doing it perfectly, doing it right . . .  is utterly futile. 



​Because "it" is already perfect.  
 We just don't perceive it as such in the flow of our daily busy-ness.
For it is our busy-ness, our daily-ness,  our holding on to past joys and hurts and our drilling into future plans and fears—this is what keeps the illusion of imperfection alive as an enemy to fight against.

Ultimately, then, no thing is imperfect. The unfoldment of matter and energy in time simply is what it is.

But most of the time, this truth is too slippery for us to grasp, and this is probably good.  Why?  Because as a concept (as opposed to a lived experience), the idea that everything is perfect is counterproductive at best and dangerously neglectful at worst.  (Think of Pangloss in Candide.)

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As a concept (as opposed to a lived experience), the idea that everything is perfect is counterproductive at best and dangerously neglectful at worst. ​
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Perfection is never more and never less than the breath you are taking right now.
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​
​So what tools in our kit of mindful living might be useful when our experience of living feels constrictive, when things seem very strongly as if they ought to be different (and better!) than they are right now?
 
Here's a good one: 
Befriend reality. 
Befriend things are as they are. 
 
But  how do I befriend reality when it feels unacceptable? 
  • Begin with the breath.
  • Fill your heart with the love of a child or a parent or a caterpillar or a cactus.
  • Invite a sense of softness, ease, compassion, space.
  • Note a distant sound, and allow it to fill your ear.  Feel the vibration until all traces of the sound are truly gone.
These easeful befriending practices are powerful.  Because they shatter the illusion of imperfection and bring us face-to-face with the deepest reality:  that perfection is never more and never less than the breath you are taking right now.



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1/13/2018

The Paradox of Living Unstuck

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Paradox:  two incompatible things that are both, somehow, mind-blowingly, true.
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We all want to live unstuck.  We just don't know how. Because HOW is a paradox. 

​So, if we are going to invite ourselves to experience life-unstuck, let's make it easy. 
Let's allow the inherent paradox.  Let's examine its two incompatible elements.
​

 
Incompatible Thing One
Living unstuck happens fast—happens instantly, in fact.  It always and only happens in this moment, in this present unfolding now, in this instant melting and melding, in this knowing of each in-breath and outward touch and word unsaid and minute stretch of muscle and thought and on and always.

Incompatible Thing Two
Living unstuck takes time.  Old patterns loosen their grip on our consciousness only over the course of time as it unfolds through our lives. 

An easeful resolution . . . 
Moment after moment of awareness (Incompatible Thing One)  that we are life (as Tolle says) loosens the patterns of thought, behavior, and emotions that otherwise keep us stuck.   

And here is where my advice becomes less meaningful than attuning to your own inner wisdom.  (But I’ll give you first a bit of advice, just in case it is helpful.)  And then I'll offer some help in attuning to your inner wisdom.
 
Here is the advice, my dear friend:  befriend the paradox by attuning to your body’s infinite, unfolding wisdom.

And here is the help in doing so: 

Breathe consciously.  Practice yes-breath or alternate nostril breathing.  Or, just invite yourself to notice the lovely, magical, swirling place at the top of your breath cycle, where the inbreath becomes the outbreath.  Just notice it.  Two or three times a day is plenty. 
 
Move to the off-rhythm of life!  Imitate a 2-year-old’s facial expression.  Spread your toes and see if you can sense the dip in-between your second and third toes.  Shimmy your shoulders (just try it, just once, and then you can go back to what you were doing.) Surreptitiously smile and raise and eyebrow to see if anyone else noticed your shimmy.  Stick out your tongue without opening your lips.  If you live in Saint Louis, do a little soul dance.  
 
Do these things in the unfolding present moment, whenever you think of it.  Build reminders into your day.  Notice whatever shifts in you when you do the weird things above, (aka creative joint play).  Appreciate from your depths any joy, relief, calm, peace, or giggles that arise.  Ask for more and more and more of this.
 
Small shifts in the present now are the undoing of egoic patterns of behavioral, thought, and emotional responses. 
 
I deeply hope that these reminders are useful for you today, and for most of you, they likely are enough!  Yay! 

But if you are in a place of transformation and would benefit from individual support, we can easily have a brief and free conversation.   

(I’m actually unusually good at attuning to what is unfolding within people—clients, friends, family—which is why I’m developing this coaching practice, the central tools of which are available in this workshop—How to Live Unstuck, Imperfect, and Free.  
 
It’s also why I’m collaborating with other health-and-wholeness professionals in the Saint Louis area to create Owning Your Wholeness events. )

Appreciation all around!  And may you feel an ever-greater sense of unfolding ease.
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We all want to live unstuck; we just don't know how.

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And we don't know how because how is a paradox.

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    Lynnea (her Ph.D. being in English) shares her training and wisdom here, to help her gentle readers live freely and fully in the unfolding present.

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